don’t want to be desperate

It intrigues me – how life can continue to get so beautiful, yet so complicated. Take me, who has learned the beauty of feeling after so many years of running from it because of some feelings that I was scared to have. Take me, for example, trying to learn new skills at 25 to become more myself after a period of time where I thought I had hit my peak. Take a friend, a brother, who I connected on a level that went both ways. Take a best friend, who is going through one of their life’s hardest times, still try and salvage a relationship we both know won’t go beyond friendship. 

Even if the relationship was rooted in the very thing we avoided, leaving us with boundaries that were always questioned more than they were told. Allowing ourselves to be in love until we weren’t allowed to be. It hurt in the dark, when lines were easily crossed due to lack of visibility. It hurt in the light, because our compensations were celebrated with pride in our communities. 

I am feeling so hopeless, I can’t sleep at night, which affects my days, then I get so tired, but when I try to sleep, I can’t. This makes me resentful. How fucking dare you do this to me. Keep me tied around your finger, making reckless decisions acting like you don’t know that I am affected by the mere swinging of your arm as you walk. What have I done to deserve this? 

And after all of this learning of how to feel my feelings. What a shitty thing to feel.

I need someone, but I also don’t want to be desperate anymore. 

-s

date unknown