happy birthday to me

How it pains me to begin this journey in agony, and yet here I am. 

I lie here on the eve of the wedding, and while being overjoyed for them, I am left yearning. I am surrounded by love, yet feel none. I often ponder the forms. The tenderness of intimacy, or the passions and excitement of evolving on a journey with another human being, for the rest of a life. The story of a birth, a rebirth, a symphony of a lifetime, the chance of a divorce. The sadness of a City, who will rise as the sun rises in the East (or West, depending on who you ask), and who falls prostrate at its setting this very evening, her own Solemn Vigil. The complication of Time, and the healings he brings alongside the hurts incapable of taking advantage of his ends. The voyage of becoming capable. 

To Love – whoever, whatever, wherever, you may be –

Can I finally come over? Can it actually be me? I long for you, and you alone. I long to understand who you are. You see, I know you. I know all about you. I’ve known you, and I’ve seen you. But I miss you. Help me see you alone in those around me. Let me be seen as you, just as I seek You. 

Anyway, lol. It’s almost midnight, so I’m gonna go grab another glass of champagne before we toast and I watch the fireworks, while tongues slide into mouths all around me, the air of aspiration somehow thicker than the humidity. Happy future anniversary to the happy couple (are they allowed to see each other rn?), and happy birthday to me. I hope this year brings some fully developed frontal lobe fun. (i genuinely hope no one sings happy birthday at this party lmfao)

-s

12/31 (year unknown)