if it will be like this forever

I’m currently on the train to Chicago, and it’s the first time I’ve traveled in a while. I feel like for me to move forward in life, I’ve needed to have a lot of hard conversations with a large number of people, and I often wonder if it’s even worth it. I could easily pretend so many things, be it my job, my relationships, my self-worth. I could comfortably regress and try and live a simple life that others perceive to be “right” or “correct,” but I’ve never really striven for a life of comfort, and it’s never really felt simple to me.

I’ve always had to go against the grain, feeling deeply about many things without clear direction as to what the next best right decision will be or could be, like making my way through a beautiful dense fog on a Louisiana February 27th evening. It’s truly frightening and makes me nervous as someone who generally has trouble making decisions. 

Shall I , with partially complete conviction, sit here and ponder the life of an artist? Is it selfish to look at my past with both respect and disdain, praying for the opportunity to pursue a passion? Just because I’m good at something does not mean that it brings me fulfillment. I’ve completed my checklist of impressing those around me, collecting accolades, failures, and emotional rollercoasters along the way, and yet I lie awake at night feeling all but complete. 

Is this just my 20s will be? A constant wondering of if it will be like this forever? 

“I don’t know,” I repeat to myself enough times for it to echo in my life over and over in a head that is both so full and yet so empty. Begging to drain itself of what’s inside while wondering if what is there is even real or if it’s just another romanticized gaslight to believe it’s true. 

Alas, I can only hope that all in which comes to fruition by the end of my time here can be noteworthy and effective in those lives that lie in my immediate vicinity. 

-s

date unknown